For my regular visitors and readers, you know already that I assume that most of you like myself, have lived long enough to know and understand that pain is indeed a part of being human. All of us vary in degrees with respect to how we understand the intrinsic pain of living and of being human. What I mean by that is that each of us has a way of understanding why there is pain in the human condition, what causes the pain of being human, and how pain affects us. What we share in common is the undeniable, brute fact of pain. For the purposes of this brief article I will limit my comments regarding pain to emotional pain which we can also understand as psychic pain (psychic in this case pertains to psychological or mental pain, not to persons who are allegedly clairvoyant).
The origins of emotional pain are largely a mystery to us. Whatever worldview lens you look through at the problem, we are left with quite a bit of guessing as to the why, generally speaking. I'm not expert enough to account for a philosophically materialist understanding of why human beings hurt emotionally to the degree that they can experience emotional suffering. As for the religious explanation, the Christian view is that through the fall of Adam and Eve, human beings created in the image of God lost their singular vision of God. Through their fall this singular vision became bifurcated and doubled creating a kind of distraction of heart and mind as human beings became attached to "sensible" things (e.g., bodies, things, food, etc.). In this view, it is faith in the Incarnate Word that restores the relationship between human beings and their creator as well as brings healing to the heart and mind. Buddhism, and other Eastern belief systems, whether philosophical or spiritual, posits the problem of attachment as the root of emotional suffering. Summarizing this view in a general and broad manner, human suffering comes through mental attachment to emotional states, food, sex and things. And changing this problem of suffering requires detachment and acceptance. Detachment comes from letting go of one's view that all should be static and ever the same, and embracing what inevitably will change or vanish or come to and end. Acceptance requires one to embrace and encounter reality's dynamic and fluid state, and the idea that all is impermanent.
Whatever any of us believes about the problem of emotional suffering, there is common ground between most thorough-going models of human emotional pain. The above concepts are helpful, and it has been said by some psychological professionals that religion in general has been far more advanced and practiced in addressing human pain than most prevailing psychotherapy models. What modern psychotherapies, and DBT in particular, have come to terms with, is the fact that people need skills in handling emotional pain. And it is here that we should now turn our sights toward the immediately practical concerns of our existential location in living and how any of us can manage our pain.
As a psychotherapist and, even more so, as a human being, I can say that the problem of attachment is one root of emotional pain and suffering. When we formulate an idea about the way things should be, and we hold to this idea with a tenacious rigidity, we will be faced with challenges to our expectations. While annoyances and disappointments are inevitable, what may be miniscule can be magnified into monstrous proportions. Driving a car can be an exercise in misery when one is faced with the presence of other drivers who drive at a different pace, either driving too fast or too slow. Somehow or another the other drivers are obstacles to our expectations for a trouble free drive. We have ideas about how others should drive: that is, according to our preferences which we turn into absolute demands, which only we are privy to. Friends or family forget that it's our birthday, which is indeed disappointing. But we can take this occasion to feed our ideas that those who claim to love us should never forget such important dates. Our level of emotional discomfort can be a sign for how deeply we hold these attachments.
In spite of the fact that we are repeatedly presented with data that is contrary to our collective ideology that things should go our way, we continue to hold onto to the delusion. This fierce and well enforced and practiced way of thinking and believing has increased our inability to cope with frustrations. That's right. Speaking on the whole, we have a diminished power for tolerating frustration. And this diminishment can be found in our efforts to diligently avoid reality. In spite of the constant bumps and collisions with reality's awkward nature we hold on to our rigorous demands that our existences be filled with comfort and ease. So, when we do collide with the awkward and less than pretty facets of reality we are annoyed or even undone completely.
In terms of reducing emotional suffering, which I use interchangeably with the word misery, we have to be able to accept reality on its own terms. We must be willing to encounter what is, opening ourselves to the experiences we find ourselves in. This acceptance is not easy for a mind that has been conditioned by a thoroughly judgmental and ease-oriented culture such as we moderns live in. And we have been conditioned through the modeling of this culture, our families and institutions (even Churches), and we have practiced day-in and day-out for ten, twenty or thirty, or more, years. That adds up to quite a resume for practice. Our refusal to accept reality is deeply entrenched along with our illusory expectations and our reactive judgments.
Even our refusals, reactions and judgments about feeling bad exacerbate feeling bad, and this is how we move from emotional pain into suffering. When we refuse to accept reality as it is, especially when things go wrong, we make things worse. It is a subtle and insidious form of denial. We become angry about being angry, annoyed about being annoyed, and so on. On the other hand, if we can move into acceptance, engage the moment we are faced with and allow ourselves to connect with reality, we will find that we bear it. What's more, we will find that we're quite capable of taking effective action to manage our emotions. We can take up the practice of particular skills which help us to soothe and distract ourselves, or we can open ourselves for other flexible thinking and effective action. If we take up these skills with a particular willingness to do only what a moment calls for without getting caught up in the old practiced and reactive judging and expectations for perfection, we can actually feel better when annoyed, angered or saddened.
If you're paying attention you will notice that I'm saying when we become annoyed, angered or saddened, and you can add stressed to the list. And if you've noticed this, then you're going to catch on to the fact that I'm not talking about overcoming emotion, rather I'm talking about knowing your emotions and working with them. When faced with any kind of problem acceptance is always the first step to taking effective action toward realistic problem-solving.
The next time you find yourself feeling out of sorts, say, outright miserable, pay attention to what you might be saying out loud or even in your mind. Notice how your inner monologue reflects either a stance toward acceptance or rejection of reality. If you're using a lot of shoulds chances are that you're getting caught up in rejecting reality. If you're using a lot of profanity in your thoughts or what you say out loud, this is another hint for you that you're in the rejecting mode. And it is these kinds of thoughts that will make bad worse. Whatever immediate and existential location that you find yourself in, when you notice yourself filling your mind with profanities and shoulds, just stop everything and take three breaths through your nose and out through your mouth. That's right. Breathe. This won't right the wrongs you face, but it helps you to collect yourself so that you can then begin to change your thoughts. Instead of dropping f-bombs and getting caught up in shoulds tell yourself "I can handle this," or try saying first, "I notice that I'm feeling angry/sad/annoyed." Thinking is a behavior, and I've already established that you, with the rest of us, have had years of practice in rejecting reality and further disturbing yourself with the shoulds, reactive judgments and rigid expectations. To become free from a pattern of misery, part of the prescription for change is to change your thinking.
You begin your change from misery by acknowledging "what is." Just note to yourself in a factual and nonjudgmental manner. Put words onto your shoulds, "I notice I have a thought that things should be different or better." Doing this helps you to see your thoughts as thoughts instead of confusing your thought for a fact. When we let ourselves think the same old judgmental thoughts as freely as we please we tend to believe them. Just label factually what's going on both around you and within you. Just "step back" for a moment and observe what's happening without reacting to it. Next, actively challenge the shoulds. You can say to yourself, "There is no reason things should be any different," or, borrowing from Albert Ellis, say something along the lines of "I strongly prefer that things should be otherwise, but this is not a catastrophe." Some of you familiar with the idea of "the power of positive thinking" will perhaps be more open to adopting these mental practices, knowing already that there is truth to my recommendations. But let me say this is more than mere positive thinking, or I should say, these practices are more than merely applying a few "affirmations" here and there like cheap band aids or childish tricks. The practices that I recommend, and which are found in DBT and some of the best philosophical and religious outlooks, require acknowledgement of pain, and even of misery, so that we can then begin the immediate and sustained practice of changing ourselves so that we suffer less.
These practices of acceptance also empower us to gladly revel in moments drenched in joy and love. The same rigid thinking creates so much of our misery can also impede the relish of living in moments of beauty. If any of us are in the habit of perpetual catastrophic ruminating, we are tempted to face spontaneity, beauty, love and joy with a dark cynicism, perhaps telling ourselves, "Any minute this will pass and back to emotional hell." In doing this, we miss what nourishes us. We deprive ourselves in these instances and bring on the emotional hell that we dread. This leaves us bingeing on misery and restricting ourselves from goodness. Taking up the practice of acceptance allows us to enjoy ourselves, to even delight in the splendor that life offers, as much as it allows us to skillfully encounter pain. Acceptance, openness and a stance of willing embrace of life allows us to experience reality and ourselves in a magnificent manner where we can taste the full array of being human.
©2009 DBT Counselor/Scott Spradlin, MA, LPC
